I haven’t written in a while. There are reasons for the silence.
Many reasons.
A tremendous number of reasons.
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Unresolved grief.
Fear.
Guilt.
Anger.
Overwhelm.
The fact that I have been losing and gaining the same 20 pounds over and over and over again.
The need for an overhaul on my anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications.
And the incredibly difficult and entirely individual work it’s going to take to achieve my goals and turn the corner to a new, physically and mentally healthier chapter in my life.
There are more reasons, if I’m being honest, but these are enough. You get the picture.
It’s a lot. I’ve had trouble knowing where to start (priorities, Erin) and – even worse – I do this thing where I keep putting stuff off or reinventing the wheel based on ludicrous scenarios. For example:
“Erin, it’s me, your weird brain – I cannot possibly leave the house to take a walk today because there’s laundry in the basket and the pantry cabinets need to be cleaned.”
What? Why? Why now? Why is the location of cans of soup emergent when I should be choosing other priorities? Why does my brain do this? I’ll tell you why.
Unintentional Sabotage.
This is a thing, folks. And it’s very, very real.
I’ve always been susceptible to procrastination and avoidance.
Someone’s going to chew me out for something that is 100% my fault, but I just don’t want to deal? Avoidance!
I have 10000 things to do but really just want to watch Bridgerton and eat marshmallows out of a bag? Procrastination!
I am literally the villain who is tying myself to the train tracks in this scenario.
And that makes things both incredibly easy and uncompromisingly difficult to deal with.
It means you know what you have to do to succeed.
It means you want to achieve your goals and do what’s best for you.
But it also means you know your weaknesses and every trick in the book to do yourself dirty.
It means you struggle with feeling worthy enough to do right by yourself.
It’s a struggle. It’s a war. And you have to fight it one battle at a time. If you try to do too much on too many fronts, you’ll have zero chance of victory. It’s just logistics.
All of this is to say, dear reader; I’m still here.
I’m still kicking.
I’ve broken up with Lexapro in favor of Prozac.
I’m doing some sort of activity that doesn’t allow sitting for 30 minutes every day.
I’m striving, daily, to learn to validate myself rather than seek validation from others.
And I’ve told Sad Erin™ to hit the road.
Hopeful Erin™ has moved back into this body and has every intention of being here to stay.
Stay tuned. Shit’s about to get real.
Life of Riley 